The last couple of days hours minutes seconds

So here it is 

Have you ever had to say goodbye to someone ?

If yes than you know how intense the last couple of minutes are

Here is a better example 

Have you ever been in school waiting for the last bell on Friday?

It always feels like it just takes too damn long.

Well here I am waiting for the bell to ring.

My frenemys see I'm leaving so now I get to see some true colors.

I should have figured that just like I should have figured these ass holes 

would decide to fuck with me just a little bit more.

It's a severe pain to have to take shit from people, I just hope 

the other parties in the exit plan knew how it's going.

Instead they leave me in the dark

So now I sit and my brain goes in circles. 

Just more fear of false hopes, and backstabbing.

This is what happens when your privacy is invaded over and over again.

This is what happens  when your trust is violated over and over again.

 This is what damage is this is how dysfunction grows.

This is how loners and shut ins are made.

 Just in case you didn't know.

So I will stay in this pressure cooker of bullshit.

until I can get out 

For the sake of my future I hope it's sooner than I cold hope for.

Until next time

Paca bitches Paca

Trance music, driving, Batting Cages and Cute lil Gothic chicks that work at seven eleven

That's all stuff I love 

Trance makes me more focused more and more energized.

Driving cars makes me feel liberated.

Batting cages help me release anger and tension.

Cute lil Gothic chicks who get that old familiar feeling when I spit game makes me feel 

more confident. 

Yesterday I actually purchased an N.L.P. mp3 to get over my phobias and angst.

I left it on repeat all night last night and today I was more outgoing more confident.

I think there will be a Resurrection or rather a release of the person who got locked inside by his/her damage 

what makes this greater is all the wisdom I obtained 

in my search for the key in my lurking in the shadows 

Fuck it lets say the phoenix has risen 

and the phoenix is cock diesel 

until next time 

Paca bitches Paca

Fixing family dynamics"I can only meet you half way"

Hello my dear friends 

Lately my policy of building bridges and mending broken homes is working well.

Really though it's all a matter of all the parties involved being open and being receptive.

Last Sunday My Dad and one of his estranged cousins decided to meet up.

It had been years since they have seen each other. Honestly though 

I had nothing to do with it it was just them deciding to let the water run over until all was clear.

My Mom and my brother were recently cast into a crisis.

I reckon I  got the chance to not feel like the guy/girl who ran off and left everyone.

I reached out into my network and got help for them.

Than we came together with a plan to get everyone back on their feet.

Me and my brother will hit the road together.

My mom will move across the grade to hold down a home base and get back into the job market.

What touched me though was a phone call

where my mom opened up and started to question why she let her abandonment issues 

affects how she relates to other people. So now I see progress all around.

Everyone except my brother 

He is still angry, My main concern is his weight.

Weight isn't just food often times there are emotions that go with it

\Issues that need to be resolved before the fat can melt away. 

So here I have another opportunity 

to release some of my demons and help my brother.

I guess I will lead by example.

Audio books healthy eating and exercising If he see's me doing this I'm sure he will 

follow. 

This is what has been playing in my life lately 

I hope to report again soon with more good news until than 

paca kroshka 

Fuck it I like chief Keef

            Yup I can ralate to this song according to some people I'm a sapo in other words I'm guilty by association because of my family, what they don't know is I'm being fucked with too what ever I don't got time for paranoid assholes. I got my own paranoia to deal with, I got my own shit to deal with. So fuck it man character defamation that's that shit I don't like, In other words go choke on a dick hater I'm not that guy.

The buttons have been polished.

Well I spoke to the recruiter...

It turns out in the fucked up state of California I can get a c.d.l. without a license.

So I'm set my mind has been made up i'm one hundred percent sure 

that this is something I need to do  to get where I want to be.

So I have another week or two until I'll be off to trucker school.

I just need to get some medical documents and a storage unit and then i'll be off on an adventure.

Once i'm on the road i'll be ready to write about things other than fucked up family dynamics and the likes.

I'll probably write about meditation and being a trans-something and of course about my travels, and after two years I will write about  returning to Tel Aviv and Gothic girls and etc,etc,etc, so until next time 

paca kroshka 

hugs and kisses and all that good stuff

The delusion is over I changed my mind

I am not a peasant 

I am Noble and I am cock diesel 

born to fuck all those haters out there 

and fuck those vampires

who made their money on my families

misfortune 

I'm in this life to own it

Lets all team up against him so we won't be divided

OK here is how it is 

Some family's are so fucked up that they need to manufacture a bad guy

so everyone will rally around  the flag.

Some families can't function without a bad guy or a boogeyman .

Sometimes it's a grandparent, sometimes it's a brother or a sister, the main point is 

that there is always a selected bad guy.

So now I'm two for two , my mom and my brother never pick up the phone,

 and the cousins I stayed with chose me.

Well when I'm gone or I stop trying to be a part of their lives who will be the next bad guy?

Well my cousins took in a new person,and my mom and my brother are good at manufacturing 

the bad guy It could be my mom's boyfriend it could be any other poor schmuck.

Honestly take a look at yourselves and your family dynamics and see if you fit too.