Thursday, May 16, 2013

Forgs and crickets and oak trees

So I made it back to Paso Robles 
"one of my happy places"

Out my window I hear the crickets and frogs in the creek serenading the night.
Out my window I see the oak trees swaying in the breeze, I see the Spanish moss growing off of the branches because the air is so clean.

I took a trip to Franklin pond "the sulfur spring where the locals go" . I shared a twenty four pack with my brothers and spent the whole night laughing. Now my skin is clear and soft. 

In other words It's feels damn good to be back. 

well until next time paca bitches paca

Monday, May 6, 2013

A little derision with your coffee sir

I am tired 
I hold my tongue and swallow bullshit because I am tired.
Every meal we share every party we go to, every car we ride in.
I am tired 

How many of you know the story of Cinderella.
The child from a bad home situation gets a little hellp
from hr family. Of course this hellp comes at the price of her dignity.
So it seems so today in my case.
Every time I open my mouth at the table 
I get a dirty look or I get talked over.
Or someone will bring up an embarrassing event.
from my life.

Than after all this I have to act like everything is cool.
So I swallow my pride.
When I talk to an engineer about 3d organ printers, I'm out of place.
When I question the Rabbinical authority caught in scandal My past get's scrutinized.
When I tell a story from my Service in the Military I get shut down.

This is bat twenty one.
I had my own exit strategy, but I put it on hold so I could help out my mom and my brother.
So now I wait because they have to wait, and sit and take shit from my cousins 
and I get to play the head games others design for me.

All this from people who swear they live by the rules of the holy books.
They really just commit necrophilia 
because If I qoute a Great Rabbi he will highlight 
how if you don't follow the ethical teachings than you missed the whole point.
"Whats hateful to yourself don't do to others everything else is just commentary"
I relish the day when My brother will come to where I'm at
and I can make a graceful exit.
My only question is 
Until when

well until next time paca bitches paca 

Friday, May 3, 2013

The last couple of days hours minutes seconds

So here it is 
Have you ever had to say goodbye to someone ?
If yes than you know how intense the last couple of minutes are

Here is a better example 
Have you ever been in school waiting for the last bell on Friday?
It always feels like it just takes too damn long.
Well here I am waiting for the bell to ring.
My frenemys see I'm leaving so now I get to see some true colors.

I should have figured that just like I should have figured these ass holes 
would decide to fuck with me just a little bit more.
It's a severe pain to have to take shit from people, I just hope 
the other parties in the exit plan knew how it's going.

Instead they leave me in the dark
So now I sit and my brain goes in circles. 
Just more fear of false hopes, and backstabbing.
This is what happens when your privacy is invaded over and over again.
This is what happens  when your trust is violated over and over again.
 This is what damage is this is how dysfunction grows.
This is how loners and shut ins are made.
 Just in case you didn't know.

So I will stay in this pressure cooker of bullshit.
until I can get out 
For the sake of my future I hope it's sooner than I cold hope for.

Until next time
Paca bitches Paca

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Trance music, driving, Batting Cages and Cute lil Gothic chicks that work at seven eleven

That's all stuff I love 
Trance makes me more focused more and more energized.
Driving cars makes me feel liberated.
Batting cages help me release anger and tension.
Cute lil Gothic chicks who get that old familiar feeling when I spit game makes me feel 
more confident. 

Yesterday I actually purchased an N.L.P. mp3 to get over my phobias and angst.
I left it on repeat all night last night and today I was more outgoing more confident.
I think there will be a Resurrection or rather a release of the person who got locked inside by his/her damage 

what makes this greater is all the wisdom I obtained 
in my search for the key in my lurking in the shadows 
Fuck it lets say the phoenix has risen 
and the phoenix is cock diesel 

until next time 
Paca bitches Paca

Fixing family dynamics"I can only meet you half way"

Hello my dear friends 
Lately my policy of building bridges and mending broken homes is working well.
Really though it's all a matter of all the parties involved being open and being receptive.
Last Sunday My Dad and one of his estranged cousins decided to meet up.
It had been years since they have seen each other. Honestly though 
I had nothing to do with it it was just them deciding to let the water run over until all was clear.

My Mom and my brother were recently cast into a crisis.
I reckon I  got the chance to not feel like the guy/girl who ran off and left everyone.
I reached out into my network and got help for them.
Than we came together with a plan to get everyone back on their feet.

Me and my brother will hit the road together.
My mom will move across the grade to hold down a home base and get back into the job market.

What touched me though was a phone call
where my mom opened up and started to question why she let her abandonment issues 
affects how she relates to other people. So now I see progress all around.

Everyone except my brother 
He is still angry, My main concern is his weight.
Weight isn't just food often times there are emotions that go with it
\Issues that need to be resolved before the fat can melt away. 

So here I have another opportunity 
to release some of my demons and help my brother.
I guess I will lead by example.
Audio books healthy eating and exercising If he see's me doing this I'm sure he will 
This is what has been playing in my life lately 

I hope to report again soon with more good news until than 
paca kroshka