Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Well aint that some shit/On to better things

                                                              So now I'm one hundred percent certain that the booty bandit was indeed seen twice dressed in drag by the old central bus station. At first I thought it was just a little slander or true lies is actually the truth. Well it seems my dear pathetic friend has also had a hard life and he also has debt trouble. Of course instead of getting a job like normal people he has chosen to be a useless druggie asshole . Now instead of wanting to beat his ass I think it would be better if I prayed for him.  Honestly G-d should have mercy on him for all the suffering he brings his wife. I mean if she knew he was a useless asshole than it's kinda her fault for being with him.

                                                              I have decided that when I see him I will just ignore him unless he tries to get physical. In all honesty I feel stupid for ever thinking that the scrawny little bastard could do anything to me. OK all the time he talks about stabbing people, but fuck him I got a broken electric guitar on standby. If he pulls a knife than I'll chop his ass down with my axe. If he crosses the thresh hold of my room I will chop his ass down with my axe.

                                                           Any how on to better things,
Today I have decided that I'm one hundred percent right for wanting to have a relationship with a beautiful woman instead of being a loner with a pseudo vagina, no offense to the women man enough to change their body's. I think I will be one million percent happy just dressing up and maybe getting a few tattoos and piercings. So now that I have made this realization or rather since I have made this realization. The only thing I have been looking for is a one time hair solution. I Like feeling smooth I like putting on lotion and having soft skin that smells good. I'm sure allot of people out there can understand where I'm coming from.

                                                          I'm sure an evolved woman would be able to love a freakish man or it, if you would rather call me that. I'm working on not giving a damn because well thats how one lives a good fulfilling life. He/she learns to love him/herself and not let outside influences influence how awesome he/she is.
I figure after I get my life Sedered in America I can save up for a hair zapping vacation maybe Asia maybe somewhere in central America I'm thinking surfing beer mangoes fishing and of course maybe a Nice senorita to make me feel special, you know all the stuff I love.


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Honesty My intentions as far as how far I will go

                                                                              I don't want any surgery, and Hormones are too risky.
I Like to Dress up that's about it my gynocomastia has given me some boobs to work with so I don't really need to bother with boob jobs. My Hips are forty seven inches my chest forty four my waist forty one. I figure a corset or a diet can get me the figure I want. My Butt well Ive overheard some of my customers talking about how big it is at the store.  The closest I have ever to been taking hormones was resperidone for my Adhd which had some nasty side effects"I'll talk about that some other time", and the two weeks I took fenugreek.  Thank G-d I have a normal set of genitalia 5,3/4-6,1/2 inches
standing. It really depends on how hot you can get me and how my body is feeling that day. 

                                                                              The only thing I'm really willing to change about my body is all the damn hair"it's not that much" I don't want a beard, I don't want any body hair. I use veet to melt what I got, but eventually I'm just going to get electrolysis. 

                                                                              If you know  any cool Women who wouldn't mind being with a cross dresser tell them to give me a holler

Monday, June 25, 2012

Time that slipped away

                                                                            Tonight I had the privilege of attending a wedding. One of my friends from yeshiva.I met a bunch of other friends from the yeshiva. After eight years most of them are married most of them have children. I will be the first to admit it I'm jealous. I don't expect a miracle I wasn't born into their community. As far as I see it I was only passing through. In truth people like that never have room for people like me.

                                                                              What I really gathered from tonight is how after all these years I really let my time slip away. I let allot of friends slip away. Really it's a shame, damn near a quarter of a century and I haven't found my place in the world. Instead I got a dead end job I need to hold on to so I can eventually start paying my debts. Once again it makes me wax to if things were perfect or better. Yet in truth they never really are. Instead of cutting my losses and leaving this land where the soil was salted fallow by all the blood plowed into the earth. Instead of leaving and living where I can speak the language and get on with the women and have actual friends. I stayed here so I could be the charity case Or the crazy guy.

                                                                               I'm disappointed with how stupid I have acted
caught up on some religious b.s. caught up on some nationalistic b.s. I have realized maybe this summer I shouldn't come back. 

Sunday, June 24, 2012

dating site for wierdos

                                                                Right this is a crazy deal. . Sometimes I appreciate breasts sometimes I would appreciate them better on my chest what can I say about it other than I feel the same about legs hips butt's all That goodstuff. It's how I am it's how Ive always been.  It just seems that out here in this planet there is no one who is compatible. I could search and I could pray for an attractive woman who is very open minded.                             

                                           However it seems all those women like to hide themselves away. To further add to my problems my poor repressed Anima wan't a bunch of piercings and tattoos a butterfly on my back bows on he backs of my thighs and a flowers an hearts on my pelvis and hips.

                                                                I think maybe a matchmaker or Dating site for wierd people
would be choice. Unfortunately Society has decided that there is no place for the people in between to be themselves openly without derision. So now Me like all other people in between  are stuck with an extra challenge,when it comes to finding the bits that fit. rather when tasked with living a dignified and fulfilling life .  Some of society says It G-d that tells them to act like a bunch of phobes. Some say it's nature."which has the tendency to fuck up or make things abnormal sometimes"  

                                                               Honestly Ive thought about how to overcome this.
They say money doesn't fix everything but it sure as hell helps make allot of things easier. I think my solution
is pretty damn clear Drive a truck. To make money and marry an Indian or Thai  woman who has never had shit. Than I can build a house and plant a mango tree in Thailand or India,and for a few months out of the year This woman can feign her love for me. I see that as the only way to get what I want. Of course I would have to convince her to convert to Judaism too.

                                                            Or I can stick it out the hard way and see where I get.
Which way would you choose?


Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The mangoes in my dream

                                                                            The other morning I had a dream about mangoes
Mangoes are my favorite fruit. there is two kinds the small ones that are tight and the big ones that are a little over ripe. Those big ones are always juicy. Funny thing about me I like to eat it with skin even though it gets me all sticky. I wish I could just have a mangoes tree in a backyard with a nice hammock. I would probably eat mangoes every day than till my stomach hurt.

                                                                            I wish my life could be sweet and juicy like a mango.
If everything would just fall into place it would be lovely. If everyday I could wake up in the morning and go play in the waves on the beach. If everyday I could paint my nails and wear cute dresses and sandals if I felt like it, and work from an office at home ,or a taco stand on the beach. That would be choice. Every evening to just lay in a hammock with one beautiful girl."I only want one woman in my life" We could kiss and cuddle and look at the stars.  Just to know that she will be there and that she loves me.
                                                                           Unfortunately My life isn't all mangoes I guess if I want the fruit I got to plant the tree. so I could get a sweet harvest I just gotta remove the chains the government put on my life.



Monday, June 18, 2012

More Anger

                                                                             My dear Government has set me off so much.
I have such a deep hatred inside of me. I really think they deserve the worst from humanity. For six months I have been in bureaucratic limbo in the civilian world. When I was in the service I got more bureaucratic b.s.
First Me a lone soldier or a soldier with out a family in the country wasn't given where to live, and when the tax authority froze my bank account and I couldn't pay my bills my social worker didn't help than either so two months no money for food and debt piling up. OK after that I still couldn't pay my bills.

                                                                                                                                     So the government
came after me again after the military, and now my bank account has been frozen for six months. to unfreeze it I need to present a contract for a place where I live. Of course because I squat in an abandoned school building I don't have one. So now these people have taken nine hundred sheqals and each time I thought I was going to pay to unfreeze my bank account it turned out that they just took my money.

                                                                              They say hate is a strong word but honestly it's what I feel. I want  my country to get nuked so I can dance and roast marshmallows on the ashes of the people who fucked me.  I'm serious when I say that.                     

                                                                           I live with the Jews some of them follow the book, in the book it says to remember what Amalek did to you when you left Egypt or the exile. I will always remember how amalek treated me and how they laughed at my suffering

Sunday, June 17, 2012

My apointment with my therapist today

                                                        So every two weeks I go to my therapist/gender therapist.
We have been making allot of progress lately in regards to my fear of being intimate, or letting myself be hurt again by a relationship. Today I wasted allot of time talking about all the wonderful people who pissed me off lately. Either way my therapist is a really cool lady. Today she pointed how normal my emotions were, and how normal it is to want to be loved and love someone.

                                                         In the ghetto people are fed this bullshit ideal of being hard all the time, of never being weak or vulnerable. The boundaries of the definition of being hard vary from place to place, but either way it still fucks people up.

                                                       In the Religious world it is looked down on to show affection or to question what the leaders say. So now we have another nice swath of humanity fucked up because they hide behind a mask as well. 

                                                       So now we have me with some life lived in the ghetto, and some life lived amongst the pious folk. Which basically caused a mass confusion and a distortion of the truth. All these years I thought I was crazy I thought I was tainted when really it was the people around me" in a generalizing sort of way".                                                
                                                       Now I know whenever these folks try to get at me I just have to invite them to look n the mirror.

ah I guess he just needed to flip the table

                                                                  Ok I squat in a abandoned school. I made a deal with the Rabbi
Usually things are cool but today and for the last four days ive been sick. They dragged me out of my bed and made me pray anyways. Usually when another person who was born here gets sick he gets to sleep people don't bother him, but me the Foreigner they just take advantage of me. I went to sleep in the shul than The rabbi threw a cup of water on me. I jumped up and flipped the table. After that I got kicked out of the minyan.                                    

                                                                  In short soon I will be done with all my troubles with the government and than I will be able to rent a house somewhere I relish the day.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

just a little slander or some true lies

                                                           Last week I was kicking it in my room with some dude,
Ok he may have some drug issues and I may have seen him twice all dragged out hanging out around the old central bus station."That's the low brow vice area"  Everything was cool we were smoking dope and listening to music. Than homeboy went nooping around my computer and saw a few of my sights.

                                                            He goes on youtube starts playing Eminem  on some phobic shit.
Than he says to me your a homo cocksinel"that's a hebrew umbrella word for people with gender issues"
I say yeah and why is it your problem. "If I'm a dude that want's to be a woman or like a woman and be with woman than yes that makes me a homo cocksinel" He looks me in the face lifts up his shirt and says I'm going to fuck you. Me being a person who has read sun tzu let him go without a scratch. The next day I started looking for where he lives, I found it and I found out he is a husband/father on the run, that makes me extra angry.

                                                            So I decide next time I see him I'm going to break his limbs.
I mean does it make me a phobe for not wanting a dude to stick his member in my ass? Ok toys fine but flesh.....never. Anyways he comes back while i'm at work and calls me out. I come back and find out so I call the bastard out now he is hiding. Should I wait till he catches me slipping or should I go down stairs kick in my neighbors door and womp on both of them ?      

Friday, June 15, 2012


                                                                 Hi My birth name is ----------- ,Sometimes or all the time I like to be called and think of myself as Emillie Vanya. I have a problem according to some people. I would like to start out by setting the Record straight. I adore women I love them so much I want to emulate them. I have always been this way. As I have grown I have come to appreciate The man I am too. So now I want to present myself to the world as a woman sometimes, Make up Hair Breasts all that good stuff. Thats how I feel inside I feel like a woman,but I don't want to cut off my genitalia"If I could have a genetic Vagina Than I would go for it" Unfortunately that technology isn't available yet. So I will keep what I know works My Genitalia  I don't want to sleep with men I don't find myself attracted to them physically or emotionally .

                                                                 So Now that we got that out off the way
I will share with whomever reads this my journey.