I'm not that kinda.....whatever and a few questions

Yesterday I was on the L.A. metro blue line.

I was minding my own business sitting in my seat. When someone came and sat in the seat across from mine.

This strange bugger kept staring at me, so I nodded and took out a book hoping he would leave me alone. I figured he was just another one of the nuts who takes the train.

Well my hopes weren't met the guy put his leg against mine. I moved my leg away. 

he did it again I put down my book and said no.

The man apologized and I got back to my book. 

Than at the next station he followed me up the escalator, and on to the next train.

So I got off at the next stop and waited for the next train.

As flattering as these things are it's just not my thing.

I have to say though it was better than that one time in Tel Aviv

I was a young soldier fresh of the base in his Dress uniform, I was at the old central bus station.

A place infamous for prostitution. I was on my way to Shenkin  when this guy 

wanted to buy me a soda and have a chit chat. I saw the lust in his eyes. So when he went into the store 

I booked it full speed with my kit bag on my back. 

Once again flattering but also stomach turning .

I don't know why these guys think I'm something sweet.

I don't know why they always wanna get something from me. 

What i'm really asking is how come woman can't be that bold.

I mean sure I'm an asshole because well I don't have game or whatever 

it takes to convince a girl that i'm the right choice. 

Or maybe it's just a fear of getting into a relationship and than having to come clean about all 

my Anima's secret's. 

I mean if I got with a woman would she feel threatened by my feminine side?

Would she think I'm trying to replace her or would it be just plain old disgust? 

How would I find a girl who would be comfortable with that?

Or how do I make a girl feel comfortable with me. to began with? 

Lot's of questions about that,but no questions about those nasty men trying to 

get it in with me It's just not my thing. It's just not gonna happen hell doesn't get that cold and if it did it's still a no.

Well I'll figure all that out when I get there 

until than I just gotta keep working out and handling my business, cause according to recent 

events that's just really sexy

so until next time paca   

Something I observed and decided

I watched a Russian war movie. 

In English it's called purgatory. It a movie about The battle of Grozny 150 motorized rifles .

It's not a pretty movie but in reality it was a very ugly war. 

In the movie there was one scene where

The Russian Commander told a tank 

to grind the bodies of the dead into the earth, so the Chechen wouldn't  

be able to decapitate them and throw the heads back at the soldiers.

The scene was very gruesome, but It gave me an epiphany about life itself.

The Dead soldiers can be likened to bad memories or regrets 

which you could use against yourself. Which could demoralize you, or make 

you harbor hatred or fear. 

So the tank is you casting those memory's out so 

you can continue on your journey without such things.

In all honesty though this scene was very gruesome 

and aside from the sound affects the movie gives a pretty accurate

picture of the war in Chechnya. This is according to the guys who were actually there.

I watched it because my friends in basic told me to.

They served in the armies of Belarus Ukraine and Russia before they came to Israel.

I guess they wanted me to understand the Military from their countries.

Once again who cares about their citizens less 

My views on the war in the middle east, and the fall out

Ok I'm sure many people have their opinions about the war.

It's been going on a long time. Me I lived in Israel for six years.

I served in the military there. I lived in Jerusalem, Tel Aviv and the West bank.

I have had friends from every tribe living in the land.

One, the war is perpetuated to keep populations under control.

That's what war is. The crusades were a way to kill off the peasants.

The Jihads of the day are to keep the minds of the fellaheen"peasants in Arabic"

from turning on their respective dictators. The Israeli army is used as a tool

to indoctrinate the population into being controlled.

Two,war is just another hustle a way for the big guys to swindle the little guys.

when there is war there is money to be made.

I'm talking weapons munitions uniforms fuel food r&d. 

When there are six permanent members of the u.n. security council 

who also happen to be the biggest arms dealers in the world you get the idea.

Like how Israel and egypt get geared up by America now as well as Turkey and Greece.

well they are armed to fight each other, and they keep buying new arms to keep up with each other.

Look into it.

Three, Arabs and the fall out they have gotten.

When I was at a low point in my life. A friend of mine named Hyman,

a man I smoked hashish and played cards with, a man I broke bread with, a man I partied 

with. Also an Arab hooked me up with a job and taught me how to lay tile. 

This was after I walked the streets of Tel Aviv and hit up every place I saw Looking for a job.

I had holes in my shoes and I cut two notches in my belt from all the weight I lost, my neighbors would give me money to go buy bread, thats how much weight I lost. 

I wasn't starving mind you, but I wasn't eating so well or taking bus's.

Well I new Hyman was a good man,but because there were a bunch of idiots

who hurt other people because of their extremest ideologies, the security at the bus station wouldn't give him a break. 

The same with another friend who was a d.j. who would take me to shows and hook me up 

with drinks. 

I guess being born and raised in America I didn't have to live with old world bullshit.

I played basketball at school with people like Achmed,Sheruk and Mohamed 

I sat and read books with people like Usama, and when 9'11 happened 

I told Achi"Achmed if any one gives you trouble give me a holler. 

Well I went to Israel I joined the military I did my thing, I came back to America 

 I put my Israeli military experience on my resume.

I apply for a job at seven eleven, well soon after that I'm a killer 

and a pig and they make sure that I see the headlines of the war 

when I buy my coffee. 

I go to a cafe owned by some Lebanese 

I have a friend who died fighting hizbullah in Lebanon 

I hear rumors that the hash they send over the border has asbestos and adalin"a drug to get junkies of herion"

mixed with it, but this is America and all that old world bullshit 

stays over there in the Old world. 

So I clear my mental of all the old world bullshit,because they didn't kill my friend

and they didn't poison my drugs. 

The people at the cafe are nice and they make really good coffee.

So there it is I don't agree with the war. I don't like the fall out it brings people I don't like being called killer or pig. Just Like I'm sure Hyman doesn't like getting extra scrutiny at the bus station,but

until humanity gets a clue this is how things are gonna be. 

Until humanity gets a clue every tribe will fight and every Man will have an obligation to his tribe.
As long as there is war there is injustice and there is warriors killing each other and Innocent people
dead as collateral damage that's war that's how it always will be, and as long as there are people
shooting missiles into Israel there will be Israelis Retaliating.  

I resent that fact, and I resent all the governments and the Extremists who perpetuate 

this bullshit, but I will all ways advocate for people to defend themselves especially
Israel,
 I know the numbers and I now that tit for tat and how tired it is getting,
but after negotiating for nearly twenty years what other option is there?
On the real ask your self can I negotiate and compromise for twenty years
with the same group of people and end up back at the starting point with every concession?
Would I have the patience to deal with that?
If the answer Is yes I find it hard to believe.
If the answer is no than I reckon your as normal as any other man
and there's nothing wrong with it.

In short if anybody Thinks I'm part of the hive mind

or that I'm hating on Arabs it's not true.

I hate Hizzbullah I hate Hammas I hate Fatah 

and all those other assholes.
I hate people who listen to too much Immortal Technique or Lupe Fiasco
and than think they know whats going on.
To those people I say FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING LAME ASS HIVE MIND
 You assholes picking a side in a fight you have no connection to
other than a rap record or one sides propaganda
only encourages and perpetuates  more bullshit.

I Hate the West and The soviets for fighting their war with 

other people in other countries. I hate the notion  

of a savior coming down from the sky to enslave humanity, and make the world a country club for

fill in the blank there are many guilty parties.

I hate the Idea of G-d telling one group of people that the kingdom of heaven 

will be built on the death or repression of others. Or that only one path leads to 

G-d. I know it's bullshit if that was so, than why is there many ways to get to staples center 

or many ways to get to grandmas house?

If Man is created In G-d's image than don't you think heaven would be accessible

like any other place, i.e. in what ever way gets you there 

In which ever way lets you take the ethical high ground.

That's another thing I will get into some other time, why it's easy to 

do rituals but drop ethical teachings. If you do the rituals but you don't take 

on the ethical ways than your way with religion is like necrophilia.

Treal

So I finally Found Gary Johnson(the libertarian candidates) answers to the debate,and other miscellaneous stuff

Well it came a few months late,but I'm glad I found the video.

now anyone who wants to know where I think politics should can watch the video

It still kinda piss's me off that we got a two party show,of course those are the consequences 

of having two party groups of people cutting checks for the media.

I started working out again it feels great.

On Sunday I lift with my Dad Than twice a week 

I do push up's and sit ups. I'm looking to increase these to five days a week.

also I started belly dancing,why you might ask well one it stabilizes the hips,and the spine.

Two I can do It while I'm watching t.v. 

I'm looking to add a yoga routine for the morning.

My Dad told me sun salutation. I used to have qualms about it,but 

I think in the end blessing the sun isn't really such a big deal as Long as you know 

who G-d is. 

This just leaves cardio

I wanna get a membership at a pool, I figure 

all of this together will make me allot more shvelt.

In the end thats what we all want right to be shvelt 

From the mouths of babes more drama in Compton by the sea

Right This is another rant.

I rant here because no one has the time to listen to my pain, 

No one wants to hear me.

In other words due to the circumstances of my life.

socially my life is like Ice frozen.

It's not without unjust cause I believe.

I have been hurt or betrayed or abandoned by pretty much everyone.

Everyone who is my blood everyone I have trusted everyone I have let inside.

So these days I keep distance these days I sabotage things to keep from being hurt.

Anyways From the mouth of babes.

Or children echoing the sentiments of their parents.

If someones father screams at me to stop talking like a nigger 

in front of the customers I'm upset.

If someone does it twice I'm hurt.

When this person whom I happen to be related to has his daughter 

saying Things like I don't like you I don't like your people.

It drives a wedge. 

When she says I don't like you, or who are your people. 

It's paints a pretty clear picture.

My Mom is mixed half black half white 

my half brother is as dark as Wesley snipes.

My waking environment was La Brea Gardens 

at La brea and Jefferson right outside the Jungle in South Central Los Angeles

(they changed the name to South L.A.)

The people who cared for me the other children I interacted with 

guess what color they were.

I also happen to be Jewish 

I have another part of my family and another part of my life.

When things got real sour and I was put in the foster care system. 

 a year laterI was taken in by the orthodox branch of my family My great Uncle and his children. 

It was great not having to live with people who did it for the money,

or people who were perverts or peder-ass's(ask Walter).

I am thankful, but I am still myself.

I am honest and I keep my mind open

So when I see someone selling someone else's television"which needed a bulb to work" to 

a person I work with and respect like a friend, and when I see that the person who owns the T.V., another friend doesn't know 

that it's getting sold I will say something. Especially when I stated to said owner that I will take responsibility

for said television . I will jump in and make sure everything is straight 

Afterwords for doing the right thing I'm a traitor.

If I call someone a kike, not a nice word but a word I use 

for Jews who fit a negative a stereotype, just like a black person fitting a negative stereotype is a nigger. Than now I'm a Nazi.

So I'm still living with this family but now 

I got these cousins who live next door playing games,they think I don't know 

but their Daughter showed me the truth.

Now they go around and buzz like mosquitoes in my Uncles ear.

Now my Uncle doesn't talk to me so whats the deal?

My Great Uncles grand daughter and her husband have been gunning to 

mess me up but why?

What exactly have I done  

to deserve that 

I can think of a few things but of course afterwords 

I checked the hindsight saw my wrong and owned up.

I figured after apologizing we could be cool again 

but I have been shown once again when I trust someone,

they will try to hurt me.

Alas this is just one incident in a quarter of a centuries worth.

These little things have affected me so much that I can hardly

relate to people that are functional and I can't trust people 

who are trying to help me because I always think it's a ruse.

So I sit Isolated and locked in with my emotions.

Nursing the wounds that get opened again and again,

and even when I do the right thing like go to school or get a trade 

I still can't get a good job or a pat on the back(I don't really need that shit anyways)

Just a cold silence or an epitaph thrown from afar like an arrow from around a corner.

Locked in with my emotions.

Locked in with my frenemys . 

I have a question for them 

what do you want exactly, what are you trying to do and why?

Gun Control and recent events

It seems only in America do we have random acts of violence.

Only in America do we have random nut jobs shooting random people.

I'm not surprised that this happens now that Obama is in office.

In other words since he has been in office there have been more shootings.

Do I drink the cool aid....hell no

I call bullshit I call a false flag operation, I mean why is all this shit happening now?

I don't know but I have an Idea.

I watched the movie the life of David Gale.

Spoiler alert: The asshole faked a wrongful conviction 

so the death penalty would be abolished. 

So here it is maybe these assholes were programed to do this maybe

ol Uncle Sammy is trying to disarm the population. 

I mean that's what I could gather from all the mall,theater,school shootings happening lately.

If I'm wrong prove it If I'm right prove it

No need for theology I'm just jacking technology

Many people have this strange notion 

about I'm right your wrong,and some savior is gonna fall from the sky and make me king.

Namely All the soul paths that were refined from the teachings of Avrahm. 

Well It's funny because I believe everyone is right. 

Sorta like Light is really sound, Or rather G-d spoke and the world came into being.

Cymatics every theology has some teaching alluding to cymatics.

Light and Vibration or rather sound.

Well every Path has it's prayers and meditations 

every path has energy meridians they find in the body, every path has attributions to these.

Weather it be colors sounds emotions or organs of the body.

Me I was born a Jew  I still am a Jew I will die a Jew,but it doesn't stop me from using 

technology which is easier to access. In other words Saints or Tzadikim all seem to be the same,

All saints refrain from the profane all saints work to keep themselves pure 

of negative thoughts and negative actions.

Except that some saints keep their knowledge from the everyman.

For example Kabballah they keep it hid, while The average Jew doesn't get the benefit of 

doing the work he needs to align himself for the journey after earth.

It infuriates me, but because I know there are other technologies  

that work I use them. 

I just feel it's every mans right to obtain a higher way,

and if you keep it from him than you are in bed with death itself.

If you don't like that's too bad because it is what I believe

   

What have we learned/Wow I think I'm off the whole need for my anima manifest

                                                            In The bible they spoke of a city

a city where they had a special bed for guest's. If said guess was too short they would stretch him out,

If said guess was too tall they would cut him down to size.

It seems that figuratively keep catching people trying to put me in this bed. 

It gets irritating after a while. 

Of course I'm sure many of you have experienced this bed.

I'm sure many of you don't like it, that's understandable . 

The question is what do you do to escape from said reality.

In truth fantasy is wonderful but it will never get you out of the bed.

Me I got plans and I have taken action. So soon my friends real soon 

I will be sleeping in a normal bed with a big old down blanket.

So aside from education, I have another Idea/action I'm going to add 

to the construction of my proverbial ship. Autosuggestion ! 

Everyday I'm going to wake up and look in the mirror, Everyday I'm 

going to tell my reflection whats going to be. 

Weather I Tell myself 

I"m going to be happy 

I'm going to be independent

I'm going to be wealthy 

I'm going to be healthy

I'm going to get over all my setbacks and hang ups 

I'm going to find friends 

I'm going to find a girlfriend 

I'm going to execute everything I plan 

so I will let you know how everything goes, but privy to the fact that this has 

worked for a few millionaires I know, I think It will work just fine.   

In other news I think I'm done with the whole 

needing to project my Anima[look up Carl Jungs theory about this]

Or for survivals sake she has decided that now is not the time. 

Honestly I don't care anymore. I'm a man 

who has some issues with his self and with his upbringing 

but now that I'm able to think about it more clearly.Or rather 

not obsess about it I think I'll be okay.

I think it had allot to do with looking in the mirror.

It would be silly for me to go about fully cross dressed. 

I'm a big Man I have big shoulders big hands big feet,

and since I have started working out again 

I have grown to appreciate how I am. 

I wouldn't eradicate my Anima or her little ideas 

nail polish and a few of the tats but I'm definitely not 

looking to be to fem these days.  

The Truth about Happiness

You really want the truth ok Here it is.

It seems that happiness is always a fleeting feeling. Happiness always comes with some outside factor,and after a short while this artificial happiness disappears. Weather this happiness 

comes from a girl or a stack of money or maybe even a can of strawberry soda,after a short while it gone.

So here it is the truth about true happiness.

True happiness comes from within. True happiness isn't affected the game of the world.

You find it within and you build yourself and you cultivate your happiness, so that all the bullshit and all the drama that is not a part of you won't take away from your happiness. 

If you don't believe me read these books

The game of life.

The way of the peaceful warrior

Mantrayam 

Illusions:the adventures of a reluctant messiah   

THese are the books that have kept me busy I hope you will read them 

too.

Selected patient

Well I'm back and better than ever.

I have allot of good things going for me right now. 

My G.E.D. is almost here I scored well over passing on everything except math. 

I got my learners permit for driving My security guard license came through, I'm waiting for the postal service to hurry up right now I'm only on the database. 

Yet it seems there are relatives out to sabotage my ship. 

They wind me up and than when my fuse gets eat up and I explode they run and tell on me 

to Bubbie and Ziede. So now I'm the bad guy, thats ok though 

because G-d see's everything so when you place stumbling blocks before your fellow, He notes

it and than when it's time to collect he demands payment. So they can play games and pretend 

like they fear G-d, they can follow the commandments and act like saints 

but G-d knows the truth and in the G-d will collect the answers 

As far as I go I will stay on my path of success.  so now I leave you with this song. 

Politics is Like pizza

These Days just like other days in America are pretty much the same.

We have two parties....Two parties our parents and grandparents supported.

Two parties who have seen ups and downs. Two parties who have stood idle, 

while The American reality was tampered with by lobbyists and big business. 

They not only stood idle some of them have actually helped to bring America where it is now.

Tradition dictates that we, the new generation have to decide which one of these 

parties"the same who have helped screw up the America we were left with" is to take control of the white house again.  

My question is how come people aren't fed up. 

Why do we give these assholes a pass. 

they have proven to be ineffectual they have proven to be a bad choice.

Why is America resigned to only these two groups of assholes.

Shit I mean if the normal two pizza places kept fucking up 

your order you would go and find a third pizza place.

What I'm trying to say is I want a new pizza.

I want a different party in power because these fuckers have 

proven that they don't really have all of Americas best interest's at heart. 

Well the Hebrew day of Judgement is tommorow

                                                       Okay today I'm calling people out on their stuff.
I'll start with the American people there are no jobs because nobody wants to pay you the amount you need to maintain the lifestyle you expect. Instead Some other assholes will do what the big assholes need for less  a three bedroom and two bath with a few cars and a white picket fence. So The big assholes decided to ship all the jobs out because they didn't want to raise wages, and even if they did raise wages. It wouldn't really work because than everything would inflate because the guy who harvest's the raw materials is gonna wan't more money just like the guy who manufactures said product so the guy who buys the said product is going to have to work more, to pay the guy out there harvesting and the guy inside building said product, and because the guy buying want's said product the guy paying him will have to pay him more so he can have said product.

                                                        This little circle has now gone global because now everyone has started to live better. So now everyone is trying to keep up with the Jones's in other words the B.R.I.I.C. nations have a middle class now. So now they need more service based jobs and now they are sending manufacturing jobs overseas too. Now another group of nations can start developing and  eventually become an inflated consumer nation too.
                                                        This is capitalism this is how it works. Eventually in order to re-sett the whole thing things have to fall apart in other words things have to crash. After things crash everyone or most people go broke. After that wages go down and so do living standards. after That industry develops again and living standards rise again. This is what I would like to call a capitol reset in other words The natural course of capitalism. It's the only way because we no longer hold the dollar to a gold or silver standard.

                                                         Moving on now Most Democrats or Republicans
You guys are a bunch of fucking Hippocrates. You stand around beating a drum about helping out the less fortunate and all that good stuff, but when it comes down to it,......you would rather shirk the responsibility or mitzva if you would rather. Why because well the government or someone else should do it. Well if thats really the case and everybody else should do it than you need to shut the fuck up because nobody likes a guy who talks but doesn't get dirty with the rest of us.  In other words if you assholes really loved America you wouldn't play king of the hill. It would be more important for you to work together so our nation could prosper and move forward. If you call yourself a democrat or a republican and you drive green cars or you shoot guns and support doing business  in America props if you just wanna have control than maybe you should just stop.
                                                     
                                                         Moving on Big ass Oil companies
Who the fuck are you to hold back the rest of humanity so you can keep selling your product? You have the money make the investments buy the technologies. Or should we keep polluting and destroying the planet so our children will be left with nothing. Maybe it's time to divest from the middle east, maybe it's time to not have a pillar of the global economy tied to such a volatile area. Or do you relish the fact that the simple man or unfortunate sons send their children there to keep the oil pumping, Or to keep the gas flowing.

                                                         Moving on   Pharmaceutical Corporations and Government collaboration. Hi you think I wouldn't mention you or your nasty little deeds huh. Flashback 1994
a new drug just came out on the market you bastards collaborated together and tested these medications on the children of the poor. So now there are people with neurological damage"why I walk funny why I twich sometimes ", gynecomastia or man boobs, higher cholesterol, and higher blood pressure. You guys are responsible for damage done to many many people. You guys are responsible for many many years taken off of peoples lives. You put chemicals on developing brains which affected the development of these brains permanently. You extorted mothers into poisoning there own children because if they didn't you would take away the children and poison them your selves.

You poisoned women by overloading their system with synthetic estrogen. Your oppression of the womb and the female sexuality has resulted in weight gain, Depression, lowered sex drive and an increased rate of cancer
I guess only someone evil could sit back and let these things happen to women and children.


                                                          Moving on The F.D.A.
aside from letting the pharma assholes destroy our population, you let the cornballs do it too with high fructose corn syrup which dissolved the liver. Wow you assholes should have put a warning out there about the corn syrup. Oh no you guys on on the lobbies pay roll. The news mongers fear about a country that will be 44 percent obese in the next 7 years. I reckon we started on that whole movement in 1977 when we made it cost prohibitive to use sucrose sugar. Well you have served the country well I applaud you corn farmers making their money drug company's and the medical industry making their money and well with obesity comes a higher mortality rate so you got the Funeral industry making their money. oh and of course the whole world really loves the stereotype of the fat American.

                                                           I guess I had to say all of that because Yom Kippur is coming
and I guess being a part of G-d or one of the facets on the Diamond I.E. everything which in reality is G-d  makes me feel that I can pass these judgments.

                                                           So think about these things and talk about them
who knows maybe one of the above mentioned Assholes will change their ways hell myself included in that list  

                                                           If you got any doubts about my claims don't be lazy empower yourself and educate yourself, hell maybe you will prove me wrong

                                         

No dice kid

                                                                   Well like most of the things I plan this one was a loss.
It seemed like such a win too, hey how the hell was I supposed to know they forgot to send my gaurd card application to Sacramento. I wasn't and now I'm supposed to go find a Job anywhere I guess because my ace was held in the wrong place.  It kinda pisses me off still though. Maybe the bruja was right.

                                                                    So far I have absolutely nothing just half of things.
My brother said he would teach me to drive well now I reckon sitting at his friends house and watching movies really taught me how to parallel park. I love it people always say sure kid I'll help you out, than when I come to turn in my voucher it's just a no dice kid situation.  

                                                                     I'm so tired of needing other people it seems every time I try to make something or gain some sort of empowerment I get screwed. So here I am again woe is me woe is I or oy vays mir if you prefer it that way.  Well thanks for reading my complaints I'm going to go look for work.


                                                                       

                                                                       

Second thoughts

                                                                      So I have been hanging out with my mom and my little brother lately.  I told my mom a while ago on the phone she said she was cool with it......well, now there are a bunch of second thoughts. I think she has rescinded her pass.

                                                                      Oh well I've explained it to her like four times already, but she keeps trying to find some stupid trigger or ulterior reason as to why I do what I do. I have decided to just give up on explaining to her I have always felt this way. Since well since I could remember, weather I was only wearing dress's at the dress up station in preschool, or fantasizing about being a girl when I would lay in my bed at night after school. Well she doesn't believe me and she has decided to white wash my life.

                                                                    I really don't give a fuck what she thinks about it anymore though. Like I said I ran out of fuck awhile ago. Honestly since I stopped fighting these feelings and just started rolling with them I have been allot less angry allot less stressed out, Like it's been shown in generations past. People don't like convention being messed with, but  feel like saying this to convention"fuck you convention fuck you in your repressive ass I hope you fucking die" anyhow now that I got that out the way I'm gonna go practice driving so I'll write again some time.

Oh and a shout out to Carla from the hot springs last night I didn't tell you this to your face but I like your tits they were very nice and I dozed off thinking about them last night, and really I hope things work out for you in Switzerland.

Today I conquered the Five

 Last night my brother came over to pick me up.

We spent three hours reminiscing about our child hood together. 

All The acts of delinquency, all the beatings all The good times.

It was great but than it made me miss all the years we were separated.

Than today my brother let me drive his jeep all the way back to Paso on the five.

I'm glad to say I owned that highway today it was the first time I drove on the highway.

It was the first time I drove in traffic without a instructor. Than I got to drive on one the old country roads.

It was beautiful all the majestic oak trees and the vineyards flanking the bends. 

This was a highlight of this last month. 

......But it doesn't justify the fact that my brother confided what I confided with him 

to other people. People who confided it to even more people. 

Well now I guess I have been dragged out of the closet. 

Not that I was really hiding it anyways. I don't know how wearing women's clothes makes someone a "fag".

As far as I understand things, a person is a homosexual 

if he likes to be sexually or romantically involved with other men. 

I tried it a few times but  I can honestly say it's not something I go out looking for.

It's not something I think I would do again.  

But fuck it I guess If these people wanna play smear the queer I'll just play along.

It will make things really interesting when they find out they assumed wrong. 

either way I don't have time to be stopped by other peoples bullshit.

so Soon enough I will be driving a truck and I will have  drivers license. 

Those things will empower me, and they will make it easier to get the affections of  

my rocker girl who is nutritious auspicious delicious.

So until than believe what you want 

I'm just stating it now after this I won't address the issue again.

After this every any damn shit fuck or drops of piss I have won't be wasted on your assumptions. 

Election Time

So it's nearly election time

                              It's time for America to pick a President. I understand many people think that 

the popular vote decides the deal, I understand many people are die hard for their party. 

Honestly to me it makes no sense. If your a republican than you want a guy who is really good at hiding his money.   If your a democrat your voting for a guy who sent more soldiers to Afghanistan. 

                          This election should focus solely on domestic policy on promoting Job production,and making America gear itself toward a future with better education and the like. 

I like Obama's stance on moving to another fuel source and going green. I love the idea of cheaper education, but to say by making one percent of the population pay a higher percentage of tax than everyone else seems kind of stupid. Especially if that one percent is the guy who has the resources to open factories  and make jobs. Especially if that one percent is the guy who can invest his money into other people's Ideas and programs. 

                          On the other hand I find Romney hypocritical. He can sit on the podium with a straight face 

and tell America yes Massachusetts can have socialist medicine programs and socialist medical insurance, but the rest of America can't. I also can't stomach how good he is at hiding his money.  

                           I digress both of these guys are politicians and what I have learned about those kind of people is....... you can't trust them, and even though they are supposed to work together for the little people they don't. Instead you have two parties that give give nothing for their supporters. Instead you have two groups of people with money and power fighting with each other to be king of the hill. 

Instead of caring about the man In the street they care about their man in the seat. 

                            I'm just saying if things were right than all these lobbyists wouldn't have a place 

on the hill, All these politicians wouldn't be fighting for absolute control they would be fighting to better America to keep her strong to keep her moving forward. I think this is something the American people should demand from their public servants...or elected leaders however you decide to call them.

Walla Karasho

           

                                       Walla Karasho

                                    Things are great I just completed my security guard card course, and I got my drivers permit. So I'm moving forward with less resistance, and of course I'm hitting up every office that gives out free stuff.
"if your not waking up in the morning to screw the system, than I don't know what your waking up for"

I have been having interesting times too. Weather it's hanging out in north long beach and getting a hood pass.
Just for the record my hood pass is irrevocable because well the hood is where I learned to walk and talk it was where my first conscious or coherent moment was held. Of course I have been hitting up the strip clubs too because......I love dem strippers yeah I love dem strippers, and If your a feminist and you got a problem with it... shut the fuck up it's a fair deal and its consensual and if the Dancer has a problem with the way she makes her money all she has to do is  stop dancing and find another job.

 I have also grown a bigger pair hitting up department stores to by my fem clothes and walking over to the men's dressing room with them.  Or waiting in line at the rite aid with a bunch of make up. Lets just say it doesn't mean I'm a pussy, It means I don't give a damn. I just do what I want to. I do what feels good for me, without being concerned about conventional norms or other peoples thoughts or words.

                               I also went to my first event every Tuesday is T-girl Tuesday  at hamburger Mary's
so I hit it up. It was fun I think it will  be better once I dress up and dance. There of course that will be my reward after I get a car and my own place.

                               
                               Why are things going so good?you might ask...well I went to see a bruja the j is a h
it means witch in Spanish she read my palms and pretty much described my personality and my life.
Than she described my pain of me not doing or being what I want, she described all the anxiety that came with it. Well now I see it's not worth living my life if I cant enjoy it without fear or what ever.

                                The Bruja even spoke further about a curse put on me and my parents by someone in the family. I didn't know I had occultist's in the family. Still I find it hard to believe someone put a curse on me. Either way Things have started to get better.

                              I have decided to go forward with the nurse Ideal, but not for the money.
I want to do it so I can be in a position to help people and so I can promote the ideals of preventative medicine. I decided this when I saw a man on the street. He was obese and his legs were rotting off. I saw he was homeless and he was using botanica or bruja oils to heal himself. It made me wan't to cry. It made me think about one of my friends who recently passed on from diabetes. I guess my only way of exacting vengeance is through the medical field.

                                       Every person I  help will be another victory against the corn lobby with thier poisonous high fructose corn syrup, every woman I recommend a book too will be a victory against the medical industry that
poisons them with their cancer causing overdosing, and their acts of repressing the womb.
Every person I help will be a victory for me and my goal of helping humanity and Loving my G-d because in the end we are all facets of one G-d we are all a part of each other we are all just G-d condensed to manifest a noun, and Yes even strippers and people who love them are a part of G-d so peace.

                                                   

                         

Back In the USA

                                                       Well I'm back in america thank G-d.

I'm currently trying to put my life back together here in the states. 

I already hit up the social services, Now It's Just getting my drivers license and than getting a job. Once I have those things under wraps I will start schooling for my G.E.D. once I have my G.E.D., its off to be a L.V.N. 

                                                  I'm already starting to feel the pressures from my family.

One part is staunch republican one part is hippie dippie democrat. They each have what they wan't for me. Of course Like always I'm Just a being in between  

if I were to be a staunch anything it would be a libertarian. 

                                                   In other good news I found out there is a Lane Bryant 

nearby at the moment I'm living rent free again so when I get my first pay check I think I will take my anima there.  

                                                     In other news I bought for my Animus a new cologne 

Dolce Gabana light blue for men, I recomend it.

                                                      In case any of you were wondering what happened to the abandoned school the municipality finally got the balls to kick people out, but only the top floor.  So now my friend is squatting in another part of the school complex. 

W.T.F. Planet earth W.T.F. humanity

                                                                                       Hi Humanity I have this burning question it's been going on in my brain for awhile now. What The Fuck guys seriously come on now we can do better than this. We Have an Asshole in Syria massacring his own people, We got some assholes In Beijing and Moscow sitting around saying let him continue.

                                                                                      We Have a group of children attacking a Grandmother insulting an elder, not stam but insulting an Old Lady until she cries It has me pissed off. When I was a child and I insulted someone my mother would beat my ass that's just how it was.
Only today's generation gets to do these sort of things, well  because apparently beating peoples ass's only does more damage.

I don't know though. Maybe if that dude in Colorado would have got his ass beat a little more
he wouldn't be on no gumpy ass schizo tard shit like dying his hair and shooting up the movie theater.

                                                                                I'm just giving a warning if I end up shooting your children it's not me it's you assholes that are to selfish to beat your kids when they need it. I'm just saying if little Timmy fuck with me cause you didn't teach him better I'm putting his ass down. Cause the world may go all clock work orange but I don't play that shit.

My New apartment/and the revelation of my secret admirer

                                           Well I got tired of waiting for the bastards of the municipality to
kick me out on my ass. So I took initiative and organized a new place for myself. At my new place I ran into the woman that complimented me about my fillets. She didn't give a damn about my fish, she only wanted my dick. I would have obliged her but she left such a stench in the freezer that when ever I see her I want to throw up. She left me a bunch of shit on the porch too......what was it a bunch of cloths normally I love free shit, but that freezer every time i open it it smells like G-d damn really thats the only way I can put it. Really I wear my fucking gas mask when I open up the freezer so Yeah fuck her and her cloths.

                                            In other news I'm looking forward to visiting the United States again.
I hope to put in some foot work this trip. I would like to find a job so I can work of my debt here in Israel a little faster. The only viable thing I have thought of so far is driving truck. I figure If I drive truck, and live like shit for a few years I would have enough money to do nurse school and rent an apartment when I come back. Plus when I'm driving I can dress however the fuck I want and no one will say shit because I'll be inside my truck. 

My Dream last night

                                                                               Last night I had a dream, It was night time
I was standing next to a lake. I was with a girl I picked her up into my arms and started to carry her home.
She kissed me and told me I was sweet for carrying her home. I Only wish it could have been real if anyone has an interpretation let me know

I found a store/ The fourth arm

                                                        I'm pretty happy I finally found a store where I can buy pretty things.
I got measured there It turns out I'm actually a 42c That's pretty good for a natural set on a dude especially because i'm not so fat. My cousins wife took me there and helped me out with my bra education. I saw they also sell panties there. I think I will buy a few pairs so I can wear them under my clothes. I figure if a buy a size too big there will be room for My junk.

                                                        Being the person I am and seeing the things I have seen.
Today I was taking a leak when I noticed something interesting on My dong. Some of the veins on my penis form the Hebrew letter shin. It usually Has three arms. Kabbalisticly The three arms are associated with the three fathers Abraham Issac and Jacob. There is also another way we write the shin, that is with four arms
It is used The four arms are associated with the Four mothers. I don't know if G-d is playing a joke or what.
I'm very serious when I say my prayers in the morning. I always ask for two things if you can guess awesome, if not than I think you need to read my blog more. 
  

Well aint that some shit/On to better things

                                                              So now I'm one hundred percent certain that the booty bandit was indeed seen twice dressed in drag by the old central bus station. At first I thought it was just a little slander or true lies is actually the truth. Well it seems my dear pathetic friend has also had a hard life and he also has debt trouble. Of course instead of getting a job like normal people he has chosen to be a useless druggie asshole . Now instead of wanting to beat his ass I think it would be better if I prayed for him.  Honestly G-d should have mercy on him for all the suffering he brings his wife. I mean if she knew he was a useless asshole than it's kinda her fault for being with him.

                                                              I have decided that when I see him I will just ignore him unless he tries to get physical. In all honesty I feel stupid for ever thinking that the scrawny little bastard could do anything to me. OK all the time he talks about stabbing people, but fuck him I got a broken electric guitar on standby. If he pulls a knife than I'll chop his ass down with my axe. If he crosses the thresh hold of my room I will chop his ass down with my axe.

                                                           Any how on to better things,
Today I have decided that I'm one hundred percent right for wanting to have a relationship with a beautiful woman instead of being a loner with a pseudo vagina, no offense to the women man enough to change their body's. I think I will be one million percent happy just dressing up and maybe getting a few tattoos and piercings. So now that I have made this realization or rather since I have made this realization. The only thing I have been looking for is a one time hair solution. I Like feeling smooth I like putting on lotion and having soft skin that smells good. I'm sure allot of people out there can understand where I'm coming from.

                                                          I'm sure an evolved woman would be able to love a freakish man or it, if you would rather call me that. I'm working on not giving a damn because well thats how one lives a good fulfilling life. He/she learns to love him/herself and not let outside influences influence how awesome he/she is.
I figure after I get my life Sedered in America I can save up for a hair zapping vacation maybe Asia maybe somewhere in central America I'm thinking surfing beer mangoes fishing and of course maybe a Nice senorita to make me feel special, you know all the stuff I love.


                                                              

Honesty My intentions as far as how far I will go

                                                                              I don't want any surgery, and Hormones are too risky.
I Like to Dress up that's about it my gynocomastia has given me some boobs to work with so I don't really need to bother with boob jobs. My Hips are forty seven inches my chest forty four my waist forty one. I figure a corset or a diet can get me the figure I want. My Butt well Ive overheard some of my customers talking about how big it is at the store.  The closest I have ever to been taking hormones was resperidone for my Adhd which had some nasty side effects"I'll talk about that some other time", and the two weeks I took fenugreek.  Thank G-d I have a normal set of genitalia 5,3/4-6,1/2 inches
standing. It really depends on how hot you can get me and how my body is feeling that day. 

                                                                              The only thing I'm really willing to change about my body is all the damn hair"it's not that much" I don't want a beard, I don't want any body hair. I use veet to melt what I got, but eventually I'm just going to get electrolysis. 

                                                                              If you know  any cool Women who wouldn't mind being with a cross dresser tell them to give me a holler

Time that slipped away

                                                                            Tonight I had the privilege of attending a wedding. One of my friends from yeshiva.I met a bunch of other friends from the yeshiva. After eight years most of them are married most of them have children. I will be the first to admit it I'm jealous. I don't expect a miracle I wasn't born into their community. As far as I see it I was only passing through. In truth people like that never have room for people like me.

                                                                              What I really gathered from tonight is how after all these years I really let my time slip away. I let allot of friends slip away. Really it's a shame, damn near a quarter of a century and I haven't found my place in the world. Instead I got a dead end job I need to hold on to so I can eventually start paying my debts. Once again it makes me wax to if things were perfect or better. Yet in truth they never really are. Instead of cutting my losses and leaving this land where the soil was salted fallow by all the blood plowed into the earth. Instead of leaving and living where I can speak the language and get on with the women and have actual friends. I stayed here so I could be the charity case Or the crazy guy.

                                                                               I'm disappointed with how stupid I have acted
caught up on some religious b.s. caught up on some nationalistic b.s. I have realized maybe this summer I shouldn't come back. 

dating site for wierdos

                                                                Right this is a crazy deal. . Sometimes I appreciate breasts sometimes I would appreciate them better on my chest what can I say about it other than I feel the same about legs hips butt's all That goodstuff. It's how I am it's how Ive always been.  It just seems that out here in this planet there is no one who is compatible. I could search and I could pray for an attractive woman who is very open minded.                             

                                           However it seems all those women like to hide themselves away. To further add to my problems my poor repressed Anima wan't a bunch of piercings and tattoos a butterfly on my back bows on he backs of my thighs and a flowers an hearts on my pelvis and hips.

                                                                I think maybe a matchmaker or Dating site for wierd people
would be choice. Unfortunately Society has decided that there is no place for the people in between to be themselves openly without derision. So now Me like all other people in between  are stuck with an extra challenge,when it comes to finding the bits that fit. rather when tasked with living a dignified and fulfilling life .  Some of society says It G-d that tells them to act like a bunch of phobes. Some say it's nature."which has the tendency to fuck up or make things abnormal sometimes"  

                                                               Honestly Ive thought about how to overcome this.
They say money doesn't fix everything but it sure as hell helps make allot of things easier. I think my solution
is pretty damn clear Drive a truck. To make money and marry an Indian or Thai  woman who has never had shit. Than I can build a house and plant a mango tree in Thailand or India,and for a few months out of the year This woman can feign her love for me. I see that as the only way to get what I want. Of course I would have to convince her to convert to Judaism too.

                                                            Or I can stick it out the hard way and see where I get.
Which way would you choose?

                                                           

The mangoes in my dream

                                                                            The other morning I had a dream about mangoes
Mangoes are my favorite fruit. there is two kinds the small ones that are tight and the big ones that are a little over ripe. Those big ones are always juicy. Funny thing about me I like to eat it with skin even though it gets me all sticky. I wish I could just have a mangoes tree in a backyard with a nice hammock. I would probably eat mangoes every day than till my stomach hurt.

                                                                            I wish my life could be sweet and juicy like a mango.
If everything would just fall into place it would be lovely. If everyday I could wake up in the morning and go play in the waves on the beach. If everyday I could paint my nails and wear cute dresses and sandals if I felt like it, and work from an office at home ,or a taco stand on the beach. That would be choice. Every evening to just lay in a hammock with one beautiful girl."I only want one woman in my life" We could kiss and cuddle and look at the stars.  Just to know that she will be there and that she loves me.
                                                                             
                                                                           Unfortunately My life isn't all mangoes I guess if I want the fruit I got to plant the tree. so I could get a sweet harvest I just gotta remove the chains the government put on my life.

                                                                           

                                                                           

More Anger

                                                                             My dear Government has set me off so much.
I have such a deep hatred inside of me. I really think they deserve the worst from humanity. For six months I have been in bureaucratic limbo in the civilian world. When I was in the service I got more bureaucratic b.s.
First Me a lone soldier or a soldier with out a family in the country wasn't given where to live, and when the tax authority froze my bank account and I couldn't pay my bills my social worker didn't help than either so two months no money for food and debt piling up. OK after that I still couldn't pay my bills.

                                                                                                                                     So the government
came after me again after the military, and now my bank account has been frozen for six months. to unfreeze it I need to present a contract for a place where I live. Of course because I squat in an abandoned school building I don't have one. So now these people have taken nine hundred sheqals and each time I thought I was going to pay to unfreeze my bank account it turned out that they just took my money.

                                                                              They say hate is a strong word but honestly it's what I feel. I want  my country to get nuked so I can dance and roast marshmallows on the ashes of the people who fucked me.  I'm serious when I say that.                     

                                                                           I live with the Jews some of them follow the book, in the book it says to remember what Amalek did to you when you left Egypt or the exile. I will always remember how amalek treated me and how they laughed at my suffering

My apointment with my therapist today

                                                        So every two weeks I go to my therapist/gender therapist.
We have been making allot of progress lately in regards to my fear of being intimate, or letting myself be hurt again by a relationship. Today I wasted allot of time talking about all the wonderful people who pissed me off lately. Either way my therapist is a really cool lady. Today she pointed how normal my emotions were, and how normal it is to want to be loved and love someone.

                                                         In the ghetto people are fed this bullshit ideal of being hard all the time, of never being weak or vulnerable. The boundaries of the definition of being hard vary from place to place, but either way it still fucks people up.

                                                       In the Religious world it is looked down on to show affection or to question what the leaders say. So now we have another nice swath of humanity fucked up because they hide behind a mask as well. 

                                                       So now we have me with some life lived in the ghetto, and some life lived amongst the pious folk. Which basically caused a mass confusion and a distortion of the truth. All these years I thought I was crazy I thought I was tainted when really it was the people around me" in a generalizing sort of way".                                                
                                                       Now I know whenever these folks try to get at me I just have to invite them to look n the mirror.