What does it mean when a girl says your adorable.

So yesterday I drove my mom's boyfriend to court.

It was a very long and boring process. Nothing like what I saw on the media.

There's no arguments no testimony no gavel. Just a big bore fest.

After that we went to see J____'s cousin.

I'm not gonna lie She's hot pretty damn close to a ten, and she has a very kind bubbling personality.

We sat there last night getting buzzed spinning yarns about our childhoods.

So here it is I'm so adorable. Now there is a search going on they want to find a girlfriend 

for me. Well crazy old me I love the idea. The truth is my very active labido has been leading me to some interesting actions. Some days I'm like an A 10 going on one hell of a run. Thats specifically when I have a wing man. Thats when i'm cool. Hell on those days even the guys"gay ones" wanna chat with me.

Of course I don't really have gaydar so I don't know until someone points it out to me most times.

Other days i'm in ninja mode don't look at me don't speak to me,

I don't exist. 

Here's my problem I really have a fear of intimacy.

It could be related to some peoples parenting methods, here are some of the mantras from my childhood:

If a girl says no it means no or else you will go to prison.

If you ever get a girl pregnant and leave her I will puncture your lungs and drop you in a lake.

Your grandpa had a big dick I don't know what happened to you and your father.

you don't touch a girl unless she says yes or you will get in trouble,

Of course all that happened before I ever had any religious stigma.

The whole if you spill your seed G-d will cut you down

and everything else that goes with it.

And here is my favorite Just thinking of him makes me want to barth.

That last one was in the third person it was from the first courtship I tried in middle school.

I thought I was doing well but I guess appearances were more important than actual likes.

As far as my member goes it's a nice average size of 6 3/4 inches  when standing

so it's not allot but i'm sure it could get the job done. I'm a grower not a shower

Though lately allot of older women have been after this dick.

I wanna give it to em but I'm afraid, and I really don't know how to work through it now.

So yes I may be adorable but i'm also very troubled and I have no clue on how to 

unlearn all this dysfunction and figure out a way to enjoy this part of my life. 

So maybe one day I'll find it maybe some of you can make suggestions 

Yom Kippur and music and other stuff

I've really been listening to this album a lot on my ipod

"yes I finally got an Ipod thanks To my moms ex girlfriend" She even gave me a really cool blanket.

It really makes the ambiance of my life come together now.

Driving home after a graveyard shift  I think the sound is perfect for winter. 

I think it would be a great soundtrack to a bedroom romp as well.

Right after yom kippur I got a good sign I was guarding a party.

When it was time to leave I found a pair of panties under my windshield wiper

The only thing of note I really did was bust some hopak"cossack dancing "

I think it's a sign that G-d or some chick has interesting plans for me this year.

Who knows maybe fried fish and champagne

Maybe a spring fling.

Being that the Jewish new year has passed. I have to make a bucket list of things to do this year.

There is always the usual stuff you know:

quit smoking

Lose weight

make more money

learn something 

then of course there are my usuals

lose weight

find a pair of heels or boots not meant for strippers or drag shows

"big feet big problem"

The truth is my only disappointment from this 

new year was not being able to find the Rabbi or the synagogue.

After looking for them both for about a good four hours, it made me ponder about some things

here is what i believe to be the best of what I gathered

"The Rabbis have everyone hyped up on this third temple.

Where as I understand we have it pretty awesome today.

There is no conduit no cohanim no animals.

All the services of the beit hamikdash are done in the heart they are done in the mind.

It's uncut connection 

through prayer and meditation every Jew can be the Cohan Gadol  

Every Jew can offer incense bread and animal to G-d"

But I did fast so I think i'm good 

In the end It's all the same i'm still just hoping for acceptance,friendship,romance,Fortune,mazol,

and maybe those shoes,and a vagina 

well Until next time paca my friends paca

I was high yellow until......

My Mom got a job as a inhome care taker.

Her client is a double amputee half paralyzed by a stroke.

Her client worked her whole life to raise her son all by her lonesome.

Her client spent nearly twenty years living in the same house.

Her clients landlord is a real gem

leaking pipes not their problem. Broken heater not their problem.

Black mold not their problem. Wiring flaws not their problem.

Now my mom in many ways is like That clint Eastwood character,

she see's a problem she see's the weak and the sick being messed with, so

she does the right thing no matter what happens

here are a few examples:

Drug dealers training a dog to be vicious, she steals the dog

and then me and my brother become targets.

The union at work is ripping everybody off, she makes some noise and gets put in searchlight

Her company is trying to screw someone out of their pension, She testified in court on his behalf

and lost her job.

Now back to the landlord. My mom starts barking up the tree for repairs.

So the landlord calls their lawyer and start filing false complaints to intimidate us .

Me and my brother turn into drug dealers and my brother is now my moms black boyfriend.

Next thing you know the cops barge in and do a welfare check on the client, not only do they check the client they disrespect my mother.

Next One afternoon I have a patrol car following me around.

So my mom calls her Lawyer 

who states in his letter A______ has two 

sons they are both african American and one of them is a veteran and works as a security guard.

Of course besides for my hair and some of my facial features i'm as white as the next guy.

Though my brother he's dark like Wesley snipes.

"in lawyer language this means give me a harassment suit I dare you punk"

Well now the force knows one of my secrets. I really hope my doppelganger doesn't go 

and commit a bunch of crimes because if he does guess who the cops will

come after first.

It just saddens me. This is my perception of how justice works

The guy who can hire the lawyer that plays golf with the judge always wins. 

As for me I guess i'm a three course meal 

for these assholes A black Jewish Trans-Thingy 

well until next time paca kroshka paca 

working the graveyard shift all alone....

So here it is my dear friends Emma Lee vanya 

is Now Lee The security guard. most nights bored out of her wits.

Walking through big empty industrial buildings looking for ghosts .

once upon a time in the fair Town of San Miguel lived 

a Man with a sack of gold and a big mouth......unfortunately

He told a few people with no gold about his big sack of gold.

So They murdered him and everyone else on his property and ran off 

with his gold.

Well that Family has been haunting the town ever since.

 Really though it makes me wonder 

because I have thought about a woman in a white dress....

specifically when I was walking alongside one of the 

buildings for the winery 

Of course I got the feeling she liked me 

though I wonder how she would like EmmaLee  

If she showed up

Would a ghost hate me and all my craziness?

I don't know but it would be cool to have a ghost as a friend.

Just some updates from where I left off

A Nice Life

                                  I had to put the trucking on the back burner 
Due to some health concerns with my brother, but I found another job it's full time plus over time, and now I have a nice little jeep.

                      Also there is a girl who works at one of the stores here. I have a crush on her.

                         Now there is also a dream of a 350 Chevy m body with a cold air intake and a bigger exhaust, preferably a 
Monte Carlo.

                        I guess I picture myself working my ass off 
doing my gaurd job and taking classes at the Junior colleague, I'm thinking business admin or something along those lines. 

                          So in the end I'm looking at a car a job a girl   
Since I have been in paso I haven't really had the urges to dress up 
Though sometimes my Anima takes over. She will usually pop in when I'm tired. Unfortunately I still haven't found the time or place to let her find a static place in my life so she fleets through every now and then. 

                         Another cool thing going on is me and my family going through with my restaurant idea. If it works out the way I vission it to be. I will be able to just open a direct deposit and go back to Israel and kick my feet up. 

Forgs and crickets and oak trees

So I made it back to Paso Robles 

"one of my happy places"

Out my window I hear the crickets and frogs in the creek serenading the night.

Out my window I see the oak trees swaying in the breeze, I see the Spanish moss growing off of the branches because the air is so clean.

I took a trip to Franklin pond "the sulfur spring where the locals go" . I shared a twenty four pack with my brothers and spent the whole night laughing. Now my skin is clear and soft. 

In other words It's feels damn good to be back. 

well until next time paca bitches paca

A little derision with your coffee sir

I am tired 

I hold my tongue and swallow bullshit because I am tired.

Every meal we share every party we go to, every car we ride in.

I am tired 

How many of you know the story of Cinderella.

The child from a bad home situation gets a little hellp

from hr family. Of course this hellp comes at the price of her dignity.

So it seems so today in my case.

Every time I open my mouth at the table 

I get a dirty look or I get talked over.

Or someone will bring up an embarrassing event.

from my life.

Than after all this I have to act like everything is cool.

So I swallow my pride.

When I talk to an engineer about 3d organ printers, I'm out of place.

When I question the Rabbinical authority caught in scandal My past get's scrutinized.

When I tell a story from my Service in the Military I get shut down.

This is bat twenty one.

I had my own exit strategy, but I put it on hold so I could help out my mom and my brother.

So now I wait because they have to wait, and sit and take shit from my cousins 

and I get to play the head games others design for me.

All this from people who swear they live by the rules of the holy books.

They really just commit necrophilia 

because If I qoute a Great Rabbi he will highlight 

how if you don't follow the ethical teachings than you missed the whole point.

"Whats hateful to yourself don't do to others everything else is just commentary"

I relish the day when My brother will come to where I'm at

and I can make a graceful exit.

My only question is 

Until when

well until next time paca bitches paca 

   

The last couple of days hours minutes seconds

So here it is 

Have you ever had to say goodbye to someone ?

If yes than you know how intense the last couple of minutes are

Here is a better example 

Have you ever been in school waiting for the last bell on Friday?

It always feels like it just takes too damn long.

Well here I am waiting for the bell to ring.

My frenemys see I'm leaving so now I get to see some true colors.

I should have figured that just like I should have figured these ass holes 

would decide to fuck with me just a little bit more.

It's a severe pain to have to take shit from people, I just hope 

the other parties in the exit plan knew how it's going.

Instead they leave me in the dark

So now I sit and my brain goes in circles. 

Just more fear of false hopes, and backstabbing.

This is what happens when your privacy is invaded over and over again.

This is what happens  when your trust is violated over and over again.

 This is what damage is this is how dysfunction grows.

This is how loners and shut ins are made.

 Just in case you didn't know.

So I will stay in this pressure cooker of bullshit.

until I can get out 

For the sake of my future I hope it's sooner than I cold hope for.

Until next time

Paca bitches Paca

Trance music, driving, Batting Cages and Cute lil Gothic chicks that work at seven eleven

That's all stuff I love 

Trance makes me more focused more and more energized.

Driving cars makes me feel liberated.

Batting cages help me release anger and tension.

Cute lil Gothic chicks who get that old familiar feeling when I spit game makes me feel 

more confident. 

Yesterday I actually purchased an N.L.P. mp3 to get over my phobias and angst.

I left it on repeat all night last night and today I was more outgoing more confident.

I think there will be a Resurrection or rather a release of the person who got locked inside by his/her damage 

what makes this greater is all the wisdom I obtained 

in my search for the key in my lurking in the shadows 

Fuck it lets say the phoenix has risen 

and the phoenix is cock diesel 

until next time 

Paca bitches Paca

Fixing family dynamics"I can only meet you half way"

Hello my dear friends 

Lately my policy of building bridges and mending broken homes is working well.

Really though it's all a matter of all the parties involved being open and being receptive.

Last Sunday My Dad and one of his estranged cousins decided to meet up.

It had been years since they have seen each other. Honestly though 

I had nothing to do with it it was just them deciding to let the water run over until all was clear.

My Mom and my brother were recently cast into a crisis.

I reckon I  got the chance to not feel like the guy/girl who ran off and left everyone.

I reached out into my network and got help for them.

Than we came together with a plan to get everyone back on their feet.

Me and my brother will hit the road together.

My mom will move across the grade to hold down a home base and get back into the job market.

What touched me though was a phone call

where my mom opened up and started to question why she let her abandonment issues 

affects how she relates to other people. So now I see progress all around.

Everyone except my brother 

He is still angry, My main concern is his weight.

Weight isn't just food often times there are emotions that go with it

\Issues that need to be resolved before the fat can melt away. 

So here I have another opportunity 

to release some of my demons and help my brother.

I guess I will lead by example.

Audio books healthy eating and exercising If he see's me doing this I'm sure he will 

follow. 

This is what has been playing in my life lately 

I hope to report again soon with more good news until than 

paca kroshka 

Fuck it I like chief Keef

            Yup I can ralate to this song according to some people I'm a sapo in other words I'm guilty by association because of my family, what they don't know is I'm being fucked with too what ever I don't got time for paranoid assholes. I got my own paranoia to deal with, I got my own shit to deal with. So fuck it man character defamation that's that shit I don't like, In other words go choke on a dick hater I'm not that guy.

The buttons have been polished.

Well I spoke to the recruiter...

It turns out in the fucked up state of California I can get a c.d.l. without a license.

So I'm set my mind has been made up i'm one hundred percent sure 

that this is something I need to do  to get where I want to be.

So I have another week or two until I'll be off to trucker school.

I just need to get some medical documents and a storage unit and then i'll be off on an adventure.

Once i'm on the road i'll be ready to write about things other than fucked up family dynamics and the likes.

I'll probably write about meditation and being a trans-something and of course about my travels, and after two years I will write about  returning to Tel Aviv and Gothic girls and etc,etc,etc, so until next time 

paca kroshka 

hugs and kisses and all that good stuff

The delusion is over I changed my mind

I am not a peasant 

I am Noble and I am cock diesel 

born to fuck all those haters out there 

and fuck those vampires

who made their money on my families

misfortune 

I'm in this life to own it

Lets all team up against him so we won't be divided

OK here is how it is 

Some family's are so fucked up that they need to manufacture a bad guy

so everyone will rally around  the flag.

Some families can't function without a bad guy or a boogeyman .

Sometimes it's a grandparent, sometimes it's a brother or a sister, the main point is 

that there is always a selected bad guy.

So now I'm two for two , my mom and my brother never pick up the phone,

 and the cousins I stayed with chose me.

Well when I'm gone or I stop trying to be a part of their lives who will be the next bad guy?

Well my cousins took in a new person,and my mom and my brother are good at manufacturing 

the bad guy It could be my mom's boyfriend it could be any other poor schmuck.

Honestly take a look at yourselves and your family dynamics and see if you fit too.

  

Right an epiphany at work today

For the past three days people have been acting cold towards old 

Emma Lee. I guess it started the morning some shitbird I'm privileged to know.

I'm serious about the shitbird part really it's not a privilege. 

This little fucker is a manipulative vampire who lives to gossip and put people down.

If your this fuckers friend he will try it on you.

Anyway I got off topic 

I had a dream to be a warrior in The Israeli military,instead I got to be in the rabbinical corps.

It really shook my confidence, well my dear vampire friend decided to open the wound 

and rub salt in it. He contacted me on Facebook to tell me the army is treating him better than me. 

In short I bought into it and it really fucked up my week.

I tried to explain all this negativity that boiled up into my system 

but I couldn't express the emotions with words or the guy I was talking too just didn't understand it.

So now I have another scar because a few people I look up to give me the silent treatment now.

Well I learned I got to take the lesson and walk away.

whats the lesson 

You gotta pick who will and who won't affect you,and it takes more than just 

saying ok I'm letting go all of the shit from the past in order to be free today.

I don't know exactly how to let it go but I know I have to find a way.

"your that mad at me?" You G-d damn better believe it

I was on the train today minding my business looking at all the graffiti.

I looked over my shoulder and turned back to my business.

Some over sensitive gump tried to get on my case.

I told him he was tripping and got back to my business

Well hot damn here it is

I don't like seeing kids running for there lives cause some fuck up robbed the 99 cent store.

I don't like hearing about twelve year olds getting gunned down in front of their house.

I don't like hearing about the times me and my mom slept  inside a bath tub because of drive bys.

I don't like remembering the bodies lined up on the side walk

I don't like people claiming they represent and protect a neighborhood when they destroy it.

I don't like gang bangers, I don't like politicians, I don't like people deciding how I should,

or what I should,or where I should.

I'll think and believe what I want, I'll associate with who I want, I'll wear what I want.

If you got a problem with it go to another country, cause America just aint the place for you.

On some treal shit 

Fuck a welfare state where papa Sam will take care of you from the cradle to the grave

I need uncle sam to protect me and pave my roads, I need Uncle sam

to help people empower themselves. I need uncle Sam to figure out what works and what doesn't.

Educate yourself read a history book and recognize the patterns in time 

that keep happening and try something new.

  

They caught me listening to Rush Limbaugh"crunchy mussar"

I wanna start this post with a 

big fuck you to all you dematards who don't like people who decide to get themselves informed before making a decision. Two i wanna give a bigger fuck you to those people at the voter registration place on Atlantic ave in bixby knolls who lied to me and told me it was too late to register. 

Just because you figured i wasn't gonna vote for Obama. 

Your right I was gonna vote libertarian.

You fucks sit and bitch and wine about I.d. requirements to vote ,

Than when I come through you lie to me because i'm voting for the wrong guy....fuck you.

Don't front like you represent freedom, you represent power hunger.

You talk about freedom and liberation yet you empower no one with your bullshit.

Instead you keep your voting blocks dependent you keep your voting blocks 

from becoming empowered. Your great guilt driven ideal of European socialism doesn't work,

my case and point Portugal, Spain, Ireland,Italy,Greece, Cyprus,.

Furthermore having your gumptards followers hating on me for exercising my freedoms of

Information thought speech only makes me hate you more.

aim lower kid

Well today I got another part of a rude awakening.

This is not the economy to dream with.

Some socioeconomic classes of people can't afford to chase dreams.

and some environments are so toxic they prohibit dreams.

Some people are dealt the cards of peasants.

Peasants don't dream and they don't own they get "taken care of"

They work they grow old they die.

They don't have time to dream they don't have any passion except for survival.

I am a peasant I had a few dreams I chased but they were all for nothing.

so now I jut want to survive. Now I go for the stable job that pays the most,

and I resign my life to almost enough is fine as long as I have cable and coca cola.

What can I say other than one man can angry at the system

One man can say he's tired of being played with by the fuckers up top.

but in the end if he's alone than no one will hear him.

This is reality this is how society has been engineered

this is what has worked, so now I have to except this shit

just like all the other shit I have to deal with

weather it's relatives saying you can eat here to save money, but than lock the door 

and ask me hey where has all your money gone?

Really I'm just pissed off, I'm tired of being played 

I'm tired of having to smile and say thank you when every thing isn't just cherry 

 I'm tired of people condescending on me or putting evil eyes on me every time I try to do something.

I'm tired of people taking liberties with my privacy.

Weather it's governments employers or family members.

"me smiling" thank you all your two faced bullshit has done enough damage

Fallen pilots and other news

Today started out as a downer.

I checked the news and read about a chopper crash, and two widowed families. As an airman it affects me  

too. Nobody likes to see their team take such a hit. Sadly that's just one of the costs of war.

We lose people even in routine exercises.

I know right now their are a bunch of people in a flight group pretty well shook.

It's a hard feeling to have"did I do my job right, Did they go down because of something I did or didn't do"

After that there is the other pilots who formed a brotherhood with these two guys, mourning the loss of a friend. After that there is the Flight commander who has to ask what if? The what if's go on for a while,

but in the end The flight commander also lost a friend,brother,son.

Than who comes before all those guys the families.

The wives who let their husbands give the best of themselves so everyone could be safe.

The families who lived with the anxiety of watching their guy be there for everyone else.

The families who watched their guy go off to battle.

The families who stood behind their man. 

In the end these guys gave the best of themselves 

and all we can say is thank you.

Too all my fallen soldiers Thank you 

every time I'm in Israel and I feel safe It's because of people like you 

who gave all for everybody else 

Going balls to the wall all in

Hello my dear friends.

I know it's been a while but I can honestly say I've been busy.

I wanted to get a motorcycle but the old man told me if I get one i'm kicked out of the family.

I wanted to go fishing in Alaska,but I found out it's harder to get on the boats these days.

In short I know exactly why I want to do these potentially self destructive things.

There are a few reasons 

• One I wan't to be a woman or womanish, but I can't so now I have to act hyper masculine or macho
• Two I wan't attention I want to feel like my family cares, note that when I say my family I mean my estranged immediate family. My real family has had my back for the last 9 years.
• Three The ladies I figure ladies dig guys with interesting lives. 

I'll be honest I dig the idea of being a motorcycle rider.

I dig the idea of being a Mercenary man,doing all the crazy stuff 

with the big payoffs. You know Fishing in Alaska or joining a group like black water.

I think it would be awesome to be a cross dressing Helicopter pilot.

Well unfortunately I will have to resign myself  

wearing panties  under nurse scrubs instead of a flight suit.

Or wearing my panties under some other work cloths that isn't

a flight suit.

I only wish they would hurry up with 

the biological 3d printer I see some applications I've been waiting for for about a lifetime.

well until next time paca.

I guess I don't really know what happened to me I was there though

Hello my friends

over these last couple of years i have had people taking the liberty of deciding 

what I have and haven't experienced. They have decided that weather or not 

someone really insulted me to my face or not. 

It's funny though cause allot of times these people weren't there.

I know my hearings fine, and generally I can tell when someone is insulting me or not.

So if I live in a village where they call outsiders Russians  and someone calls me that  

in public right in front of my face I'm pretty damn sure it happened, in other words I'm not tripping.

If some chick at a cafe calls me a pig i'm pretty sure it happened. 

I don't know why My life experiences have to be questioned or doubted.

Frankly I don't give a shit. 

You can say what you want, and decide what you want, but if you weren't there. 

Than you really don't know  and that's the damn truth.

Fear of success

I'll admit it I'm afraid of seeing myself succeed sometimes.

I'm afraid of all the responsibility of owning things.

Today I vow to except things as they happened and move forward.

, but I can never forgive myself 

for being so stupid. I can never forgive myself 

for wasting so many opportunities. 

I reckon before I can make amends with the world 

I have to do right by myself and pay myself back for all 

the time I have wasted and all the opportunities I let pass me by.

I have to own up and I have to start doing things for myself.

Regardless of what haters may say or do.

Is it hot in here?"the fog comes again"

Okay Syria is destroying itself,

So now we have Sunni and Shiite groups in play. After The whole sectarian thing, we have 

NATO arming and supporting the rebels, and Russia,china and Iran supporting Assad. 

Oh and now we have Russian heavy bombers doing exercises near Guam,

and of course Iran and north Korea's alliance, which put a monkey 120 kilometers into orbit,

and North Korea's successful nuke test.  

Damn is it getting hot in here or what?

I have some major problems with Iran having the technology for an I.C.B.M. 

one of the main problems is this whole 12th Mahdi business.Hear is a link

read up http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mahdi#Mahdism_in_Twelver_Shi.27ism

Basically it's the belief that the last Imam will return and make the whole world Muslim,

Your typical Abrahamic faith prophecy.

As we all know Iran is a very religious place, especially the leadership of the country.

So who's to say they won't get hyped up on the "prophecy" and push the button.

Basically times are strange and I wanna get the f outta dodge,

I reckon space is the place baby 

well until next time paca

  

Walla khoodoy blat"medical bills"

Okay I get it now.

The hospitals are in on a protection racket with the insurance company's.

In other words my polonidal purgatory or chistilishe is unending.

Wow I never thought a pain right above my ass could hurt so bad.

Well now I understand that I got two bills.

One for the hospital and another for The nurse practitioner,

who touched me once and than gave me a bandage and a pill.

the total amount comes out to about roughly rounded off at 1300.00 dollars.

So this means that in America if you are making just above the poverty line, 

 people will try to screw you to back below the poverty line. Unless you 

pay for insurance. If you can't afford insurance and G-d forbid you need 

medical attention the hospital will charge you more. Some where in the neighborhood of 

four times more than what they charge Medic-aid or insured people.

Honestly it's a pretty damn good protection racket. Of course 

I'm sure doctors would charge less if they didn't feel like they had to watch their ass's 

all the time.

I blame the liability laws of California one of the lawsuit capitols off the world.

If you live in California and your a doctor lawyer property owner, or anything else 

for that matter you should know there are people out there looking 

to find a way to hurt you. There are bloodsucking parasites out there 

who are willing to make it so that every time you go to work there is a lawsuit 

hanging over your head.  I don't wan't to mention any professions, but if you are intuitive

you will know I'm talking about lawyers.

Now I'm not saying that all lawyers are like that, but I'm putting part of the blame 

on the assholes who are.  It seems the three are in on this racket together.

Well in the end I hope they feel the same amount of pain I was in.

In the end I hope they too will feel the rage that goes with 

some giant fucking with their life progress.

The only good thing that came from this is my new

found taste for socialist medicine. I hope Obama care gets passed 

so all these assholes will have to find another racket.

well until next time paca. 

Every night I burn

Well Today I was trawling the web, looking for answers,

looking for people to talk too. About my lovely condition, you know autogynephilia.

The burden that leaves many questions that can't be answered by words.

Today I happened to be trawling for a treatment or a cure,

because honestly sometimes things can be bleak or depressing.

Sometimes people will do destructive things to try to escape 

the dark parts of their reality.

Anyways I came across a study about 

Gender dysphoria  and military service, or how some men will do 

hyper masculine things to compensate for their over active Anima."feminine side"

Here is a link

http://www.courthousenews.com/2012/03/13/FlightIntoHyperM.pdf

I can honestly say I have been there.

Shit I rather would've been a dead hero a dead man, than a living queen or freak, 

or how ever you would call it.

either way it seems I'm developing right on time according to the diagram in 

the study. 

Its just a shame I still feel alienation.

I guess that's just a part of living a half life

or being locked in with your emotions.

Dreams of scorpion stings

A couple of days ago I had a nightmare,

In this nightmare I watched three people jump in front of a train.

Than the ground crumbled below me and some scorpions began to sting me.

Than a friend pulled me from the earth and next thing I knew 

I was in a biet knesset  being asked about someone I went to school with.

What does it mean, I  don't know.

but it was some scary shit, and now I got people beefing with me at work.

Why I can't really decide either way fuck them If I didn't do anything to you and you hate me

that's on you.

Fuck pork

Right 

I don't eat pig if i don't have too

I ordered a pastrami burrito for lunch.

I got a burrito with some sorta fucking white meat.

Why don't I eat pork?, well to honor my family.

What would happen if i don't eat lunch

I act like a bitch and I get in trouble.

weather this was a joke or a simple mistake, it don't 

seem right it don't feel right

bu hey i guess I'll get over it soon.

I'm just gonna go vomit

Well until next time paca. 

Hand writing analysis

Well I finally got it done.

I went and got a hand writing analysis. according to the doctor 

I'm very lonely very damaged, I have a hard time dealing with other people...

as far as trust and stress goes.

Apparently I'm allergic to sugar basically I need to go vegetarian, with fish.

I also need to sleep more otherwise I get crazy. 

According to the doc I'm very intelligent and very talented.

According to the doc I have allot of depth.

I need to be around nature as well. 

He said I could be a writer or a landscape architect.

though apparently I dress like a slob, and I give off negative vibes.

Well back in good old Paso Robles"land of rolling hills dotted with majestic oaks, and 

phenomenal vineyards, the way I talk and dress is normal back there i'm just one of the simple hill folk.

Rather I'm like any other thug-billy.

In Paso people take what I give they don't expect me to change into a different person.

They love and respect who I am.

This is one of the billion times a Jewish person has told me I have shmuttz on my soul.

This is the billionth time the way I talk, like a cowboy or a nigger isn't so 

pa shut for all the irvings"stereotypical jews" out there.

Apparently it's just not mensch like.

well Yiddish was never thought of as mensch like 

and wearing cloths styled after what they wore in eastern Europe 

100 years ago is far from mensch like.

That's one.

Two 

For a people that believe in a collective soul

which was scattered across the globe,

you would figure they would be more excepting of their brothers, 

But alas look at me I refuse to assimilate 

their will be no Borg take over, 

there will be no losing myself,

only bettering myself. 

So I will dress better when the money comes 

and I will diet and sleep and exercise.

But the jet fighting cowgirl will never die 

because that's who I am that's what G-d made

pilonidal purgatory

Pilonidal cyst's aren't fun.

It's a genetic condition a cyst on the tailbone brought on because of ingrown hairs.

If it gets inflamed it puts a bunch of pressure on the cleft of your butt.

Eventually it bursts and you get a smelly mixture of blood and pus

leaking out of your body.  

The last time I had it I didn't know what it was. I 

laid in my cousins house bleeding all over my clothes and crying.

well damn it here it is again. and here I am again, though this time the doctors gave me some nice hydrocodone to keep me high,though not dry.

If your lucky you might get to catch me moaning in pain.

My only question is why me. Why does this happen to me.

The only benefit besides the drugs is now i have an excuse for the bottle of nair 

in my room.

well until next time paca

Damn everyone is trippin

Ok my Mom and my brother are mad at me.

I chalk it up to me being insensitive, and a lack of communication.

I feel bad for pissing them off. 

Today I was on my way to lunch, when some guy walked on our green light.

So when we passed his crazy ass"he was wearing a jacket in this weather"

I asked him"Irish accent" what the fuck are ya doing"

he turned around and screamed a very emotional fuck you.

Well fuck him I don't give a good G-d damn about his feelings that sum of a bitch

went and stole two minutes from my life. 

This made me realize though I don't have to be lil miss sweat hart all the time.

I realized SOMETIMES it's OK to be a bitch.

So if you go and start messing with me and my peace, and I hurt your feelings just

remember you provoked one of those times. 

and to all my crazy friends, you need to be aware of other people.

I don't care if you wear a jacket and it's hot outside that's fine

just don't go being a selfish dick and expect everyone to be OK with it.

until next time paca

I need more wine"wine tasting with Emillie Vanya in drab"

OK So there i was at the Solomon Society.

The Solomon society is an up and coming Jewish fraternity.

You might know the scene a bunch of men getting away from their wives.

Shmoozing and boozing and cutting themselves back room deals.

Enter Emillie Vanya, well i'm just a sweet transthingy 

stuck in drab" I can't stop feeling like a woman I don't know why, i guess it's because sometimes G-d can have a cruel sense of humor".

Well I'm there tasting wine and working the crowd.

Unfortunately  I don't have such a good name, maybe it's because i'm not religious. 

Maybe it's because I don't watch football every weekend. 

Maybe it's because.....who cares I got bad vibes, but I also got good info.

Like a two year plan for aviation mechanics, and than a national guard

membership for more school and free medical. 

Well now i'm back home drinking my coconut water to, 

re hydrate and kill the hang over.

Scouts motto always be prepared.

Oh and of course the wine 

tonight's gem

Mauritson 2008 cabernet sauvignon, Sonoma County

honestly the wine had an edge of a forest, when I say edge 

I mean "the hints"

Imagine a nice ride through a road through a forest at night.

well that's what my tongue felt 

So if you ever wanna ride me bring a bottle of this and 

we can do whatever you wan't kroshka.

For my Kosher people

You have not been forgotten 

Goose Bay Pinot Noir 

This was light and sweet in a dry way you know fruity notes

This wine gave me the feeling of 

spring in Tel Aviv

for those of you that don't know Tel Aviv is my happy place.

well until next time paca

My observations of Dexter

The other day I was kicking it with my Dad. "I told my Grandma his mom about my little secret"

We where watching Dexter. 

Now I would like to take a minute to look at Dexter.

He's a guy with a dark secret, he has a habit that is by no means conventional. 

When Dexter doesn't Murder someone he gets stressed pressure builds up.

Dexter's addiction or habit can be likened to anything.

So in this episode Dexters sister figures out he's a serial killer, 

now here comes the stupid question 

"Are you a serial killer?"

OK now lets look at this sentence are you a......?

So my dad asks me how does she know he's a serial killer?

Well I say I don't know but it's a pretty powerful question.

Are you a tagger?

Are you a Blogger? are you a Cross dresser?

So there it is I wonder what he thought about that?