Tonight I had the privilege of attending a wedding. One of my friends from yeshiva.I met a bunch of other friends from the yeshiva. After eight years most of them are married most of them have children. I will be the first to admit it I'm jealous. I don't expect a miracle I wasn't born into their community. As far as I see it I was only passing through. In truth people like that never have room for people like me.
What I really gathered from tonight is how after all these years I really let my time slip away. I let allot of friends slip away. Really it's a shame, damn near a quarter of a century and I haven't found my place in the world. Instead I got a dead end job I need to hold on to so I can eventually start paying my debts. Once again it makes me wax to if things were perfect or better. Yet in truth they never really are. Instead of cutting my losses and leaving this land where the soil was salted fallow by all the blood plowed into the earth. Instead of leaving and living where I can speak the language and get on with the women and have actual friends. I stayed here so I could be the charity case Or the crazy guy.
I'm disappointed with how stupid I have acted
caught up on some religious b.s. caught up on some nationalistic b.s. I have realized maybe this summer I shouldn't come back.